Happiness

Christmas is rushing towards us at high speed, and this is a time of year when it can feel particularly tough to be single. While other people are (we imagine) revelling in the joys of family festivities and cosy romantic moments (not helped by those Christmas movies – thanks, Love, Actually), singles may be feeling extra lonely and sad that life hasn’t (yet) worked out how they’d hoped.

Advent. You’re here again. It won’t be long before houses are covered in lights. Trees lit. Nativity scenes set up. Choir concerts. Ugly jumper parties. Holly and ivy. Red and green ribbons. Frazzled shoppers exhaling sighs of relief as they finally pull out of the mall traffic. H Samuel, Pandora, Ernest Jones and your local jeweller finalising their ad space—much to the chagrin of singles everywhere. Christmas marketing and hype—not to mention a few ill-timed but well-meaning lines turned jabs from church-goers, friends or family about being single during the holidays, and you’ve got me wanting to run for white-chocolate peppermint bark.

The other day I finally got around to watching Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s brilliant TedX talk on that a friend recommended to me ages ago. In it Chimamanda talks about equal partnership between men and women. Midway through her talk, she refers to the different standards especially in dating and marriage when it comes to men and women. Where women are sometimes rebuked or dismissed as failures when they haven’t married before a certain age, men are usually simply excused as ‘he just hadn’t had time yet’.

So much of our lives are now spent online and when it comes to finding a partner, over 1 in 3 people now meet someone through online dating. It’s an exciting time of possibilities, but it’s good to be wise too! As concerns around privacy have increased in recent years, it’s worth taking a moment to consider how you can best stay safe and happy online as you make connections and meet new people.

‘I connected with a nice guy online, we met up a few times, and he seemed keen to pursue a relationship,’ said the email. ‘But since then, he’s blown hot and cold. For a few weeks, he’ll be enthusiastic and romantic and talk about the future… then he’ll withdraw and say he’s not ready for a relationship… then the cycle starts again. I really like him but this is wearing me down. At what point do I call it quits?’

Last Friday I found myself, unusually, with nothing to do. It’s a rare treat in a busy London life, but the thought did flit through my mind ‘I wonder if anyone wants to come over…’ I couldn’t really be bothered to come up with a plan, though, so I just stayed in and watched TV.
During the week I heard from a friend that both she and someone else in our church had been home alone and thinking much the same. If only we’d said something…
So why didn’t we?

‘I’m too old for the singles group and too young for the seniors…’

‘I don’t fit into the women’s ministry because I don’t have a husband or kids…’

‘All the groups in our church focus on families…’

‘I just can’t seem to fit in…’

Mental illness affects every part of a person’s life; it can be tricky to decide you’re ready for dating and it can be even harder to know when and how to tell a potential partner that you have a mental illness. Whether you consider yourself fully recovered, recovering or if you remain ill, it’s up to you the language you use but I would say it’s important you’re comfortable with yourself and your history before you consider inviting someone else to share your life. Even if you feel your illness is completely behind you, if you have a susceptibility, it may come back, and both you and your partner need to consider the impact it may have on both of you – this subject doesn’t need to be doom and gloom, it’s just another thing to consider alongside others such as children, money and living arrangements.