Online dating can sometimes feel like a competition you never signed up for. When there are lots of profiles to choose from, it can be tempting to present an optimistic view of yourself or embellish the truth a little bit in an attempt to stand out from the crowd. But the truth is, when it comes to finding a meaningful relationship, being authentic is one of the most important things you can offer. The goal isn’t to attract everyone’s attention, just to help the right person find you. Being authentic means being honest and it also mean being specific!
Here are a few of our suggestions for finding a true connection by staying true to who you really are:
Don’t accidentally exaggerate
Most people don’t set out to be dishonest in their dating profiles, but it’s all too easy to stretch the truth just a little bit when describing yourself. You might not even mean to! Sometimes you’re just trying to think of something to fill all the fields in the profile.
Or maybe there’s a little hopefulness in there. Perhaps you’ve gone for a couple of runs recently and describe yourself as a ‘keen runner’ in the hope you’ll get more into the habit. No problem? Not until you meet someone whose idea of keen means getting in a quick 10k every morning before work.
There’s no reason that a regular runner and someone who goes for the occasional jog wouldn’t be a perfect match, but understanding your differences and similarities early on helps to prevent any disconnect or disappointment later.
Be specific about what you love
Broad statements can also create very different expectations. Even something as simple as ‘I love the outdoors’ could mean very different things to different people. For one person, it might mean sitting in a garden with a cup of coffee. For someone else, a love of the outdoors means they’re a fan of sleeping in a tent halfway up a hill in the pouring rain.
If you love travel, try adding more detail by sharing exactly what kind of trips you enjoy. Exploring historic cities? Relaxing beach breaks? Weekend dashes to the countryside? Visiting places connected to your faith? Really getting down to the details when writing your profile can help you find someone whose idea of the perfect trip looks remarkably similar to your own, or something they’d be interested to join.
The more you share, the less likely you are to end up on an alpine adventure when you’d rather be by the beach.
Don’t change your values to match someone else’s
When you’re just getting to know someone, it can be tempting to say what you think they want to hear. You might find yourself agreeing with opinions you don’t fully share, or downplaying things that matter to you. But trying to be someone you’re not rarely works in the long term.
This is especially important when it comes to the bigger questions. If you know you do or don’t want to have children, be open about that. The same applies to faith, life priorities, existing commitments you want to hold on to, and other significant values.
The old adage might be that you should never talk about politics on a first date, but if there’s a certain issue that would be a real dealbreaker for you, it’s worth making that clear early on. In a positive, non-judgemental way, of course! Share what you care about, not what you dislike.
Let your real personality show
Many people feel pressure to sound exciting in their dating profiles. Yet many of the qualities that make people good partners can be relatively small and simple.
If you’re super organised and love a good list, say so. If you enjoy planning ahead, hosting friends, tackling DIY projects or keeping your home tidy, all those things say something meaningful about who you are. If you’re naturally laid back and prefer to take life as it comes, that’s worth sharing too. You can even share if you’re messy or naturally a little disorganised. With everyone trying to write the perfect dating profile, some less polished truths can be a relief to read!
Communicate as you would in person. You don’t need to try to make jokes if you’re not a natural comedian. Wit doesn’t always translate well online, especially if it doesn’t come easily to you, but not everyone is looking for a comedian. Warmly talking about something that really matters to you can be more engaging than a funny line, as long as it’s authentically you.
Share your everyday
Often when writing a dating profile, people share the most interesting or unusual things they’ve done. Completing a marathon or competing in a game show are brilliant talking points and definitely worth sharing, but do they say much about the real you, day-to-day?
Are you someone who loves being at home? Do you enjoy cosy evenings, cooking, reading and spending time with family? Or are you happiest with a diary full of activities? Give people a good idea of what your daily life looks like, and they’ll be able to imagine sharing it. Doing different things side by side can be a big part of life as a couple – share what your low key things are: gaming, calling friends, getting lost in a book, even having a nap!
Meeting someone special and starting to build a relationship can change what your everyday looks like, but it’s good to give a sense of how you live now, how you spend your time and what you enjoy.
The right person wants to meet the real you
It can feel risky to be completely honest about who you are. It can be natural to worry that your interests aren’t exciting enough, personality isn’t impressive enough, jokes aren’t funny enough, or lifestyle isn’t adventurous enough. But don’t often think ‘enough for who?’
The right connection won’t be looking for an extreme sports enthusiast, elite chef, or grand raconteur if that’s not who you are. They’ll be looking for you. And you don’t need to impress them, you just need to introduce yourself to them, honestly.