Finding a partner who is emotionally available is crucial to forming a healthy, long-lasting relationship, but emotional availability can be difficult to discern. Some of us are repeatedly drawn to people who are detached from their feelings and incapable of connecting with ours. How easy is it to recognise if your date is emotionally available? How can you tell if they are ready and willing to open their heart, giving you the confidence to move forward and explore your connection?
Here are eight positive signs to look out for.
1 – They demonstrate consistency and reliability
In pre-date communication or between meetings, they show up consistently and behave with integrity. Their words and actions align. They don’t play mind games, keep you guessing or renege on commitments. They follow through.
You feel respected. You feel like you can trust them, and you know where you stand. You are on stable ground rather than on shifting sands. No guesswork is required.
2 – They are emotionally present
While out on a date, an emotionally available person is present to the moment. They are engaged in the conversation rather than distracted by what’s going on around them or by beeps on their phone. They give you their full attention.
You feel heard and seen, calm and at ease, rather than jittery and distracted yourself.
3 – Conversation flows both ways
An emotionally available person balances talking with listening. They take in what’s being said and respond appropriately. They ask relevant questions rather than repeating lines they’ve rehearsed or talking solely about themselves. They allow pauses in the conversation and are comfortable with silence.
You feel like you’re in the presence of someone who’s genuinely interested in what you have to say and who’s comfortable with the natural ebbs and flows of conversation.
4 – They offer empathy and vulnerability
They can empathise with your feelings and they share their own emotions with appropriate vulnerability, without going to the extremes of over-sharing or dumping traumatic details from their past, which can create false intimacy in the early stages of a relationship.
In their presence, you feel a genuine connection, built on mutual openness, respect and a desire to understand.
5 – They are respectful of boundaries
An emotionally available person understands and respects boundaries, physical and emotional. For example, they are happy to end a date when you call time, they don’t pressure you with unwanted questions, they value your opinions even if they differ from their own, and they respect any physical limits you set, content to move at your pace.
You feel safe, comfortable, valued and supported in their presence.
6 – They understand separateness
They have a full and rich life, with plenty of friends and pursuits and they understand the importance of spending time apart as well as together. Rather than wanting to merge their life with yours or restrict you from seeing your friends, they encourage you to maintain your interests, hobbies and social circles. They support you to thrive, within and outside the relationship.
You feel balanced, connected to them and connected to your life beyond the relationship. You have support networks to turn to if the relationship doesn’t work out.
7 – They have healthy relationships
Your date has a good track record of committed relationships, be they friendships, work relationships, church connections or ex-partners. They speak about exes with respect rather than bitterness. Their interactions with other people, for example, a waiter or a storekeeper, are kind and respectful.
You feel good in their company, proud to be by their side, rather than questioning their past or embarrassed about how they speak to others.
8 – They are responsible
An emotionally available person takes responsibility for their part and makes amends when things go wrong. They don’t shy away from responsibility or seek to blame you or other people for mistakes, miscommunication or poor behaviour.
You feel that you can trust them and that they value fairness.
If your date displays these eight qualities, you have the foundations of a healthy partnership. However, it takes two to tango, and it’s worth asking yourself how emotionally available you are.
I know from experience that if I am repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable people, it’s because I am emotionally guarded or closed myself off, and I may need to explore why that is so that I can heal any past relationship wounds and open my heart to someone who can love me back.
Finally, we are human beings, not robots, and nobody is perfect. If a date is distracted, talks too much or shuts down when we ask personal questions, we don’t have to call it a day instantly unless there are obvious red flags. We can seek further information, communicate our feelings and offer our date an opportunity to explain what’s going on for them. We can take their responses and any doubts to our friends and to God and then decide our next steps.
Dating is a delicate balancing act, but with patience, awareness, discernment and support, we can find our person.