Dating online creates great opportunities to encounter lots of new people. It’s a visual platform, at least initially – join, and you’ll see lots of photos and profiles that offer a suggestion of the person behind the picture. If you decide to be brave and make contact with someone, you are likely to notice several positive things about them in both their words and images. How can you show appreciation and give a compliment or two as you get to know someone, so your positive words land as you intend?

Why give a compliment?

At its root, a compliment is simply saying what you have noticed and liked about someone. It’s a positive statement that should make the recipient feel warm, valued, and happy. Taking the time to compliment someone takes the focus off you and shows you’re interested in them.

What to consider when you give a compliment?

It’s important to think about how long you’ve known someone when you offer your opinion of something about them – even if it’s positive! You want whatever you say to be appropriate – to the person, the situation and the relationship you currently have. To improve and build your connection, not to damage it.

So, before you communicate your thoughts to someone, make sure you’re:

• Honest – Only remark on what you genuinely believe.
• Sincere – Give a compliment with a pure heart. No provocative remarks.
• Open-hearted – No flattery, no ulterior motive, no expectation of reciprocation.
• Respectful – Stay within the boundaries of what’s appropriate for the situation.

What should be complimented?

The other person’s comfort should be the prime consideration. When you decide to tell them something you’ve noticed about them, they should end up feeling happy you did!

You could find something positive to say about any of the following early on without causing controversy. And instead of waiting for the person to mutter a quiet thank you, you could veer away from awkwardness by giving your compliment a next step, like a question:

• Personality – “You have a brilliant sense of humour. What makes you laugh?”
• Character – “I was really impressed by your charity fundraising. What got you started?”
• Actions – “You were so thoughtful to the coffee shop staff. Have you done a similar job?”
• Belongings – “You had a great bike in your profile photos! How much do you cycle?”
• Achievements – “Your profile said you once won an art prize – wow! Do you still paint?”
• Faith – “You’re doing brilliant work with young people at your church. What’s next?”

Proceed more cautiously with anything relating to appearance and physicality. Compliments about how someone looks have their time and place, but should be carefully considered. Nobody wants to feel objectified by someone they’ve just met.

You could decide it would be well received to praise something they’re wearing if it stands out in an appealing way – a hand knitted scarf, band t-shirt, sunglasses, distinctive running shoes, lip colour, tote bag featuring a venue or event, fancy watch. There’s a good chance they’ve worn something they’re comfortable in, that says something about who they are, and makes the impression they want to give. These are good cues to respond to!

When should you not give a compliment?

Compliments about someone’s body shape, physical features, disability or anything else that is integral to them are not advisable, even if well intentioned. As well as potential objectification, these go beyond what is respectful or comfortable when you barely know each other.

A person who is very tall or short, movie-star attractive, or blessed with distinctive features, for example, will probably have spent much of their adult life aware of it. Build your comfort levels with each other and focus your positive comments elsewhere – get to know the person beyond their appearance instead.

So, how and where can you give a compliment that lands well at different stages of connection?

Giving a compliment in a message

When first making contact, make sure you’ve read their profile! An opening message that offers something you’ve appreciated can help you to stand out with a personal touch: “Love that photo of your mountain climb!”

And, in case you hadn’t realised, CC has compliments built in! In the modern language of emojis, you can show how much you like someone’s photo or something on their profile with a single click. Check out how to use ‘reactions’ here. And you can add a comment saying exactly what it is you like. A great way to practice giving a compliment before you meet!

Giving a compliment on a first date

Nerves can be high when first connecting in person. Saying something brief and complimentary can show you’re pleased to be spending time with them, and have already noticed positive things.

Try not to overdo it – a well-timed, well-placed compliment that is sincere and easy to receive will be much more appreciated than a string of scattershot praise about everything from their socks to their exam grades. This can often be driven by a desire to connect, but can have the opposite effect and feel overwhelming.

Give a compliment as you get to know each other.

The more time you spend with someone, the more you’ll see that you’ll potentially like. Not only could compliments grow from what they wrote on their profile or in messages, but there will be new occasions and deeper conversations to draw on.

And, if and when the connection feels mutual and strong, you could find dropping in an “I think you’re beautiful/handsome/gorgeous” is exactly what’s desired!

Draw in compliments from the past

If you’re not sure where to start, reverse the roles. Why not ask them what the best compliment they’ve ever received is?  This can have multiple benefits: it pulls on a positive memory or two, it’s confidence-building for the person remembering, and it gives them a free pass to talk about how great they are!

Another route is to ask what they’d like to be complimented on: What do you wish people would notice? What do you think you’re really good at? What’s your secret skill? These can function as low-pressure date questions and also open up avenues for getting to know what someone likes about themselves.

If someone says – modestly or genuinely! – that they can’t remember ever being complimented, you could offer some gentle encouragement: “From what I’ve seen so far, you seem to be a thoughtful/kind/funny/interesting person, and I’m looking forward to finding out more.”

Find the positives, share them respectfully and hopefully your connection will grow!

Watch stories of real life couples who #MetOnCC on the Christian Connection YouTube channel