It’s normal to feel anxious about what the right etiquette is when it comes to sending messages, especially second messages. Everyone who has dated online has been there: you’ve seen an interesting profile, sent a thoughtful message, and now you’re waiting for a reply. A day goes by. Then another. Still nothing. What now? Should you follow up? Is it polite? Is it pushy? Have they even seen your original message? The truth is, there’s no hard and fast rule, but there are ways you can increase your chances of getting a response.

Here’s some guidance from the Christian Connection team to help you decide if and when to follow up with a second message, what to say, and what sort of messages get the best response.

Is it okay to send a follow-up?

The short answer is yes… once. On Christian Connection, we ask members to send only one follow-up message if someone hasn’t replied.
Sending more than one follow-up when someone hasn’t responded can feel overwhelming, especially if the other person isn’t sure how to reply or simply needs time to think. A single, friendly message is a good way to show interest without putting pressure on the other person.

Why haven’t they replied?

There could be lots of reasons why someone hasn’t replied, and most of them aren’t personal. They might be:

• Busy with work, family and life
• Taking a break from the app
• Still going through their message inbox
• Unsure what to say
• Still thinking about your message

It’s easy to assume silence means rejection, but that’s not always the case. Giving people time and space can make all the difference.
Not receiving a reply also doesn’t mean the other person hasn’t got your message. Sent messages never expire, so if they haven’t logged in then your message will be waiting in their inbox for them when they do. Sending lots of follow-ups to someone who hasn’t logged in just means they’ll have a scary-looking stack of messages to read through, and this is something you definitely want to avoid!

So, is following up a good idea?

Actually – yes! As long as it’s just once, studies show that sending a friendly follow-up message to someone who hasn’t replied to you can really improve your chances of getting a reply.

The person you’re messaging may have been distracted when your first message came through. Perhaps the timing was bad, or they just weren’t quite sure what to say. A friendly follow up can remind them to take a look at your profile, or reassure them that you’re really interested.

It doesn’t matter if you send your follow-up the next day or the next week, it can still make a difference. The only important thing to avoid is sending one too soon – such as within two or three hours of your first. Sending a follow-up too soon can feel like impatience rather than taking the initiative.

What should you say in a follow-up message?

If you decide to follow up, keep it short, warm and friendly. Asking a question or mentioning something specific from the other person’s profile can help spark a conversation. Here are a few ideas:

• “Hi, hope your week’s going well. I messaged you a few days ago and would love to chat if you’re open to it!”
• “Hi again! I just wanted to add that I really liked what you said about volunteering. It’s something I enjoy too. I’d love to hear what motivated you to get involved?”
• “Hey! Thought I’d say a quick hello again. Your love of books really caught my eye. Have you read any good ones lately?”

Try to avoid anything that sounds demanding, emotional or like you’re entitled to someone’s attention or keeping score. Remember, you don’t know the other person’s reason for not responding. Messages like “Guess you’re not interested then” or “Why bother being on here if you’re not going to reply?” may come from understandable frustration, but they almost always shut down the conversation completely.

Avoid copy-and-paste messages

It might seem like a good idea to send the same message to lots of people. It’s quick, and it feels like sending a higher number of messages should increase your chances of getting a response. But most people can spot a copy-and-paste message straight away by how impersonal they sound.

You’re much more likely to get replies if someone believes you’ve taken time to read their profile and respond to who they are. It’s better to send a few thoughtful messages than lots of generic ones. Similarly, messages that just say “Hi” can be really hard to respond to. Make sure your message includes a comment or question that works as a conversation starter.

Remember: dating isn’t a race

It can feel frustrating when you’re hoping to meet someone and things aren’t moving quickly. But dating isn’t a race. Everyone’s on their own timeline, and good things often take time. So, once you’ve sent your friendly follow up, remember to leave it there and let the other person reply when they’re ready.

If you find yourself checking for replies over and over, it’s time to take a break. Go for a walk, meet a friend or spend time doing something that lifts your mood. Or pay a visit to your Discover page on Christian Connection, and send a message to someone else who catches your eye!

There will always be people happy to chat with you, so be as proactive as you can.

Most importantly, stay positive

It’s natural to want replies. It’s also completely normal to feel uncertain about when or how to follow up. But remember, dating is about connection, not pressure. By being thoughtful in your messages, patient with others, and kind to yourself, you’re creating the best chance for something real and meaningful to grow.

And if someone doesn’t reply to your first or second message? Let it go, wish them well, and move forward. The right connection will be worth the wait.

Would you send a second message to someone you wanted to get to know?

Read more about writing a great message here: The Christian Connection guide to writing great messages