How is your relationship with yourself?

You may be tired of hearing that you must know and love yourself first before you can know and love another person. What does this mean in practice?

I remember groaning when I heard this concept. Can’t I just get on and date? Only I kept repeating the same mistakes and getting the same results. I chose the wrong people and ended up hurt or hurting others, because I was disconnected from my intuition, detached from my feelings and impatient to find love.

Finally, I accepted that I needed a better relationship with myself first before I went dating.

This involved spending time on the following activities:

– Sitting still, connecting with my feelings, listening to my wise inner voice, connecting with God’s guidance, and discerning between self-will and God’s will for my romantic life.

– Growing my self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence, through self-care, through being kind to myself and to treating myself as I would treat somebody I truly loved. In my case, I had to overcome emotional overeating, step back from compulsive work, develop self-compassion and prioritise my wellbeing.

– Exploring my self-esteem wounds and understanding my faulty relationship patterns, as well as the roots of those patterns, so that I could change them into healthy habits. Personally, I had to understand why I kept falling for unavailable men, locate the root of this dynamic in my childhood, heal my early life wounds and get support to do things differently.

If the above sounds time-consuming, remember the maxim more haste less speed, meaning if we try to do things too quickly, they will take longer in the end. This was my experience. If I’d prioritised my relationship with myself over dating, I would have saved years. I was in my forties by the time I was ready for lasting love.

Are you dating with a craving?

If you’ve spent time exploring the steps above, you may have a clear answer to this question, but it’s worth emphasising because dating with a craving for love, affection or connection can lead to heartache and pain.

I compare dating with a craving with going grocery shopping when we’re starving – we are not discerning; we will put anything in our basket, especially unhealthy foods.

However, when we go dating in a good emotional place – with our needs for love, affection and connection met in healthy ways, by ourselves, our faith, our friends and family – we will be able to take our time, to make good choices, to walk away if something doesn’t feel right, and to say ‘Yes’ when it does.

To know if you’re dating with a craving, ask yourself the following questions:

– Do you feel a sense of urgency or impatience when looking for a partner online or going on dates? Are you anxious that you are running out of time? Does this anxiety lead you to overlook red flags?

– Do you feel loved by and connected to others? Do you have people around you whom you can ask for help when you’re in need, or with whom you can share your truth? Or do you feel empty and lonely?

If you notice you are dating with a hunger for attachment, my suggestion is to pause and spend some time deepening your connection with yourself and with other trusted people, as well as exploring any attachment issues you may have.

Are you aware of your fears?

Our fears can make us rush in to dating or they can hold us back, leading us to avoid our romantic lives or procrastinate about moving forwards.

I moved too quickly because I was aware of the passage of time and the biological clock, especially in my late thirties and early forties.

At other times, I avoided dating, and I procrastinated about committing to my now husband, because I was afraid – of loving and losing, of abandonment and rejection, of making the wrong choice.

We can save a lot of time if we create some space in our lives to explore and understand our fears, to heal any wounds connected to those fears, and to find the courage to face our fears.

For those of us who rush in, this will involve learning to trust in divine timing and affirming that if we build our healthy foundations first, we will be led to a loving relationship.

For those of us who dance around dating or busy ourselves with work to avoid our love lives, this will involve taking a step – refreshing our dating profile, sending a message, or meeting someone for coffee.

After reading this post, reflect on your relationship with time and on the steps you need to take to strike the right balance between action and inaction and to ease your way into a loving partnership.

How do you know when it’s the right time to date – or to wait?

Enjoyed reading ‘3 great ways to know when it’s the right time to date’? Read more by Katherine Baldwin here