Author Archives: Vicky Walker

Have you ever suggested someone you know should meet another someone you know because they might get along? A casual drink and a chat. An hour of their lives. Ten minutes if it’s utterly awful and they can claim to have had a vision of the end times and leg it without looking back.

Marc rolled his eyes and confessed his online dating downfall. “I had to log off; it was like having a catalogue of women to flick through. I’d stopped thinking about anyone as human, including myself.” Marc, I have been assured, is the only person ever to have felt like this. No-one else in the history of the world has ever been tempted to judge another human being only by their physical appearance. He has been placed in special measures (an unexpected burst of The greatest love of all piped directly into his ear whenever he fails to appreciate inner beauty).

“Any advice on being a good man?” I was asked recently, the sweet but incorrect assumption being I have the answer to this little question simply on the basis of having written a book about being good. As a global expert in pretty much nothing, I say again: I only ask the question. But when it comes to romance, as in pretty much every area of life, I suspect it comes down to one thing: Do unto others. In other words… If you wouldn’t like it, don’t do it.

There’s no right way when it comes to getting the best out of life. Each of us may have dreams, hopes and ideas we’d love to come to pass, but making them happen can be tricky.

Fact: there is only one way to find love. It’s a simple formula, from which no deviation is tolerated. Who should pursue, how the pursued should respond, a smooth series of appropriate interactions unto the point of happy ever after and fade out amid bluebird song (bluebirds trained to sing ‘Shine, Jesus, Shine’, obviously). Books have been written on the perfect (ahem) method of playing the age-old game of persuading that special someone into your life as the indisputable God-ordained fulfillment of your destiny.

Christmas is a great time to be single, right? The bells are ringing out for freedom, independence, opportunity. I could tell you to embrace it all, remind you you’re free of negotiating with partners over whose in-laws get priority, not over-spending on special gifts for a special someone, barely time to overeat, what with all the rushing between wild parties. But then again… maybe you haven’t been invited to any. I have. Well, one. The other guests (almost all couples) were described intriguingly: the big spenders, the socialists, the ones-no-one’s-too-sure-about. I had to ask: what am I – labelled, of course, as ‘The Single One’ – expected to contribute to the gathering? Fun, apparently. I was to be the entertainment, telling the assembled love birds what goes on in the world because they don’t go out anymore. It’s a fraught business, being special envoy for vicarious living. And shall we just gloss over the time I received an invite for ‘Festive drinks and nipples’ and was too scared to go in case it wasn’t a typo?

OK, let’s get to down to business. It’s safe to assume you’re here because you don’t want to fly solo any more. You’re proactive, not just waiting for God to drop the perfect partner into the seat next to you on Sunday.

Checked your wires lately? The ones that control how you think? And your alien origins? Whether you’re from Mars or Venus? From merely knowing my gender you can know so many things about me – how I want to be spoken to, how emotional I am, my likes and dislikes, expectations of a relationship and so much more. Plus the helpful Christian bit that also says I’m looking for someone to be my leader, to pursue me (while simultaneously guarding my heart, obviously) as I journal dreamily about cupcakes iced with key verses from Proverbs 31.